In the Grind.

I am up before five to get to work 2 hours away at a decent hour.


Fortunately, last night, I packed my lunch and laid out my clothes... so I have an extra moment to sit, in silence, with my cup of mate... sipping on its straw, to reflect on my life, goals, and future plans.


Ah... an hour later I am on the "L" listening to tasteless rap music and sending sporadic texts to Madalyn. (i sure he loves his name... what can I say, it just stuck).


There is nothing so sweet and satisfying as looking out the window of the train and seeing people stuck in traffic. Conversely, there is nothing more irritating than taking the train and seeing traffic moving faster than you. But at the end of the day, traffic or not, I am the one on my computer typing instead of driving. I am sure the rest of the people on this train would kill to have a car to sit in traffic with... and a parking spot waiting for them at their jobs. But reality is this. They should be happy to not have the car payment, to not have insurance to pay, gas, NEW TIRES.... yes, I need new tires on my car... but I refuse to get them-- but it needs to happen.

I am already at the Logan Square stop. Last time I got off here, I was on a layover to Memphis for the Informa conference. I stopped here and went to a Cuban restaurant and had black beans, rice, platanos, and a Coke. It was brilliant. Here's a fact: someone surprises me with their generosity every day. This morning... I am standing in front of the machine to buy the transit card. The credit card machine is out of service. The CTA guy goes, "eh, do you not have cash," "yes, I do-- I just have to look for it in my bag" "don't worry about it" he slid his card into the gate and told me to have a great day. I know it's only $2.25. That's not the point. The point is I didn't have to dig through my bags looking for the money-- and I didn't have to put in more money and not get change etc... I appreciated it.

I'm wearing my leather dress today. I bought it at Banana Republic in Spring 2002... I remember thinking that when I got married I would be a housewife and wear this 1960's patterned suede dress to do gardening work in. Is that a weird thought? Yes. That's back when I was dating Josh-- I was 19 and thought that I'd marry him in the Summer of 2003. In fact, I am pretty sure that the whole house wife gardening in a leather dress was never my idea.. but rather his. His idea of me being doting and not going on to law school. His idea. It's funny how life changes and how you can keep the same clothes for so long and always think of those moments shopping downtown Spokane for leather dresses, Clinique make-up and fancy wallets. Listening to country music and hanging my jacket on a gun rack while sitting in the middle seat of his pick up truck. Adorable really, isn't it? I'd kill to be 18 again. The Naive expectations of success and bliss for your life. but then again. Maybe you'd kill to be 27 again. ... or 40 again. or whatever.

Truth be told. I am happy now. Probably less worried about my future etc.. now than ever. I am ok and will continue to be ok no matter what. And if I'm not ok. I will still be ok. It's a good place to be.

My favorite Bible verse.

You're blessed when you are content with who you are, no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourself to be the proud owner of everything that can't be bought.


It is a blessing to be content.

Even in the Grind. I am content with the challenges of balancing the delicate tap dance of working with my brother-in-law and father. The tap tap tap dance of living on a farm and not being there enough. The salsa of really wanting to spend more time with someone who lives impractically far away.

Even in the Grind and in those situations where people let you down... you can just step outside yourself for a moment and see the humor in the moment when someone is asking you to talk about something that needs no talk. That's when you've become content.. maybe.

Or maybe it's just the humidity content in the air... makes me not want to move into a vw bus. OR MAYBE I GOT MY FILL OF THAT BUS IN AFRICA.


99 problems is playing on my headphones. It's true. I've got 99... but she aint one. she can be your problem.


we want prenup .. yeah.

On a side note, I just got to work. Got my credit card statement.

The following was written on it:

MINIMUM PAYMENT WARNING: IF YOU MAKE ONLY THE MINIMUM PAYMENT EACH PERIOD, You will pay more in interest and it will take you longer to pay off your balance. For example:

If you make no additional charges using this card and you pay the min payment each month-- it will take you 13 years to pay it off and you will pay double the cost of just paying it off right now.


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Stupid americans. Probably a law suit over this and now they have to write that on there.