Being romantic with myself.

I've spent the greater part of my life being Romantic with myself. What does this mean?

Oh, I don't know. For example, tonight, I built a fire in my wood burning stove, listened to Norah Jones and drank tea. ooh! and I ate expensive chocolates. (brought to me from Australia by my devilishly handsome roommate)

About 45 minutes ago-- I made the mistake of putting on another log. Oops. Hence, I am still up-- when I should be in bed. But it is nice.

I sometimes like to go on long walks, or eat candle lit dinners alone.

It is, after all, sometimes nicer to be romantic alone. You don't have to worry about awkward conversations or first kisses. You don't have to laugh at things you don't think are funny (although I never can be bothered to anyway) or feel guilty for not being positive and pleasant. It's just you.. and you.

But sometimes, I find that I am more uncomfortable with just me. I catch myself dissecting the core of my being. Thinking of room for improvements etc. and there it is, the awkward conversation with myself. "So, Ashley, what is it that really is important to you? Do you really want to be working where you are working, eating the way you are? Do you really want the responsibility of all those animals? Or the responsibility of loving someone? Are you ready to give up the selfish dream? Aren't you tired of staying up so late? How about you take something off your plate? ooh hoo hoo.. you're so funny," I give the fake laugh-- and realize all pretenses are down-- because after all, it is just me.

I have a cast iron pot of chopped up apples, cloves, cinnamon and mulling spices brewing on top of the wood burning stove. In jeans, a flannel long sleeve shirt and a pony tail-- nothing sounds better than falling asleep here and being left with my dreams rather than my thoughts.

But then I remember, this is an old house, I STILL (see blog posts from August) haven't put in the smoke detectors, and.. there is a real live fire burning.. and I have a roommate to keep alive.



Maybe if I give myself a foot rub, it will feel like a full blown date.