It hit me.

I grew up being in love with him. This man, to me, and shamefully was beautiful. Is Beautiful.

I heard them, those grimy little girls talking about him. One girl said he was handsome for 'an older man' and the others said: gross, you kidding me. He's old. LEONARDO IS NOT OLD.... to me.

And it hit me.


There is not one high school boy that I would flirt with. Better yet, not a college boy. In fact, I see a lot of guys in suits and see baby faces going to a baptism-- not to work. It makes me feel old to see investment bankers, traders, and business men that I would feel like I am a cougar if I looked at them. (RARRRR)



A lady in the office stopped me today. "Have you seen our new intern? Girl he's cute, I want to introduce you to him." "Well, he is handsome, and I will meet him, but you should know that I am unavailable." "well, you never know" "yes, I know"

Not only do I know because I am crazy about Matt. But I know because his shirts are tight around his muscles. He looks like he never worries. He looks like he drinks protein in his shakes in the morning... and like he likes to "bang chicks" that he meets at keggers. He looks like he slouches while he drives. Like he falls asleep in his car after drinking-- and wakes up to a cop knocking on his window and a DUI without driving. Like he shaves in the morning while listening to his theme song, Eye of the Tiger. He looks like he thinks he is entitled due to his clean cut, durr, appearance. He is not my type. He looks like he pops his collar and orders steak. He probably doesn't now who Anaïs Nin is and he most definitely hasn't ever listened to NPR. He doesn't appreciate Bollywood or silence. He exercises too much. He has a loud personality and a quiet brain.

I wish I was interested (only metaphorically). I wish I was young and looked like I don't worry. I wish that my mistakes weren't a big deal. I worry about a lot of things.

This afternoon I have a doctor's apt. I've been feeling less then well for more than a long time. I am hoping she says something like, "you are stressed and you need a multivitamin and more rest. a lot of water. and some exercise" We'll see.

It's more that I just have this hyper-active lymph node. It sticks out on the side of my neck at the feeling of any stress. I want to not have that. It worries me. But, that is what the lymph system is for, after all.

And with this, the realization sets in. I am old.